"I always wondered why it was next to every toilet in the world."

A Michigan man, who purchased an entire aisle of toilet paper (both name and generic brands) from a local Meijer in fear of the coronavirus, has admitted that he's never used it before.

"I always just 'shook it off,'" he told AJ from Cars 108. "I self-potty-trained when I was little, and I thought that we were all just left to our own devices when it came to...that."

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"When I traveled to Europe, I really fell in love with bidets. Seemed logical. I wondered why we hadn't come up with something like that in the United States. I'll vote for any candidate that makes bidets a requirement in public places."

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As far as the toilet paper, he was shopping at his local store for hand sanitizer when he came across an entire row of these mysterious, white rolls of...something. When he saw the buying frenzy, he asked another customer what it was.

"She seemed surprised," he said.

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"Honestly, I was, too. I've been doing it wrong my whole life, and now there's a pandemic and I have so much to learn. I'm not taking any chances, so I bought it all."

Michigan man says that coronavirus has brought "so many learning opportunities" to his life, and that he looks forward to trying all the different brands to see which is softest.

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