Fatal Contradiction of the Zombie Apocolypse Exposed

Dear Dr Psarcasm,

I’m a big fan of the television show, The Walking Dead, on AMC.  Have you seen it?  If so, what do you think?

Scott from Flint

Dear Scott,

Oh, I’ve seen it, Scott, and I am not impressed.  I won’t even bother to dwell on the physiological absurdities involved in all these “zombie apocalypse” scenarios, how sense perception remains despite the loss of higher brain function, how the brain stem continues to function without circulation—and how can there be circulation when heart shots don’t stop zombies, only shots to the head?  Etc. etc.  No, I only want to discuss the fatal contradiction involved in every zombie apocalypse.  Despite what the CDC says; A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE WILL NEVER REACH CRITICAL MASS.

Think about it.  Once you have a decent sized mob of zombies, how on earth will more zombies ever be created?  Their very success dooms them to ultimate failure.  After all, zombies don’t procreate; they multiply by pushing away from the table without finishing their meal.  Say you get 30 zombies munching on some hysterical tart; she’ll be cleaned to the bone before zombification occurs, no?  I don’t know about you, but I don’t see many zombie skeletons wreaking havoc in these FAIRY TALES.

In addition to the fatal contradiction exposed above, you may have noticed that zombies are pretty easily dispatched.  Indeed, it is relatively easy to survive the zombie apocalypse EVEN AFTER critical mass is reached, and civilization is completely over run.  What’s easier than killing zombies?  It may warm Jimmy Hoffa Jr’s heart, but the ONLY thing zombies have going for them is sheer number. That’s why all these fairy tales ALWAYS deal with the aftermath, with the post-critical mass situation.  As in The Walking Dead, the pre-critical mass situation is dealt with BRIEFLY, if at all, in flash back.  We see the tanks AFTER they’ve stopped moving.  We don’t see how zombies stop tanks, etc.

(May I say on the side: Good riddance, DALE!)

Sorry to burst your bubble, Scott.

Dr. Psarcasm

“Remember, the ‘P’ is NOT silent.  Seriously.”

(Dr. Psarcasm is not a real Doctor.  Dr. Psarcasm cannot be held liable for any outcome associated with following his “advice;” all advice is meant for entertainment purposes only.  Please send your questions to Dr Psarcasm, care of Dan Foley: dan.foley@townsquaremedia.com.)